Permanent
by LadytheLamb
Summary: He could not control time, but if he could, he'd go back and do it all over. Rated for language and future lemons. Renji/Byakuya. R&R please!
1. Introduction

This story- like many- needs to be told in two parts. This is the tale of Before and After.

**Introduction**

**After**

The tangerine moves back and forth between polished hands, hovering for a mere moment before dropping back to earth. He couldn't control time, couldn't suspend or accelerate the flight, the movement of the fruit in the air. He would give anything to go back, do things differently. If only he had known.

The tangerine flew one last time before Byakuya caught it, and crushed it in his hand. The fruit seeped between his fingers. If only he had known! He released the broken fruit, watching it fall into the ravine far below. No, Byakuya could not control time, but he could control how long he suffered in its teasing grip. Byakuya shed his captain's cloak, took one step, and fell.

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><p><strong>Before<strong>

The petals fluttered softly from the trees, landing strayed upon the grounds, stones and benches of the Kuchiki's quiet grounds.

"So yeah, that's about it." Renji scratched his neck and grinned embarrassedly under his taicho's solid gaze. Outwardly, Byakuya was a stoic as ever. Inwardly, he was a mess.

Renji had asked at the beginning of the day if he could speak to Byakuya privately that evening. The redhead had been stumbling around all day, seeming even more unfocussed than usual. At the request, Byakuya was torn. He spent as little time as possible alone with his fukutaicho. The casual observer –and Renji- saw it as dislike and condescension for the tattooed man. Sometimes, even Byakuya could convince himself that he treated Renji the way he did simply because the redhead was beneath him, but that illusion shattered over and over. Every time he saw Renji grin cockily in the midst of a fight, every time he heard Renji's loud laugh or soft chuckle, every time he saw him smile, his heart skipped beneath his emotionless state.

Byakuya was a noble, and therefore ashamed of his feelings toward his fukutaicho. He had hoped if he kept his distance from the redhead, these feelings would fade like mist from his clean-cut life. Byakuya nearly refused Renji's request, but something in Renji's insistence was outside his normal stubbornness. Now sitting across from this man, this mist, this horrible distraction, his life had been thrown off balance.

_I kinda love you… a little bit._

The redhead forced a grin, taking the captain's silence as repulsion.

"Sorry about this taicho." Renji chuckled sadly, "Maybe you'll find a new fukutaicho that meets your standards." Renji stood, and walked away, leaving Byakuya dumbstruck.

And inwardly panicking.

Act now, or lose him forever. He didn't know why but that thought devastated him. Before he could think, he stood.

"Abarai!" Renji turned in surprise to face his captain, who was striding over. "You cannot leave me in such a position!" The redhead's confused, brown eyes met Byakuya's and his shields fell. He knew he would regret it, but he gave in to impulse, if just for once.

He did not know who initiated the kiss, but all thought of resistance left the captain as his subordinate, this lesser man wrapped Byakuya in his strong arms. This was so wrong, but for that moment, Byakuya relinquished control.

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><p>A simple prelude to a longer story. Will continue if there is interest, so please review to let me know if you want it pursued.<p> 


	2. Chapter 1

**Part 1**

**Then**

* * *

><p>"Fuck!" Ichigo narrowly dodged Zabimaru as it hooked around his sword and held taught. It took all his strength for Zangetsu not to be yanked from his hands as he cut through one of the sword's sections. Renji took this opportunity to lunge, whipping Zabimaru up and harshly down to where the other stood. The sword crashed into the ground of Urahara's underground arena, Ichigo sprawled an inch away from where he dodged the blow.<p>

"Would you fucking stay still!" Renji said, striking again at the teen. The two went back and forth like this for an hour, exchanging taunts and blows until they were both thoroughly exhausted.

Ichigo flopped onto the ground, resting his back against a large rock, followed by the shinigami beside him.

"You've been practicing." Ichigo smirked between panted breaths. Renji swiped at him playfully.

"Don't talk like you're better than me! I kicked your ass to oblivion today!" Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"Suuuure." The two sat in silence, both catching their breaths before a mischievous smile crept across Ichigo's face.

"Did you hear what they're saying about your taicho?" Renji froze. It had been three months since Renji confessed his feelings to Byakuya. Ever since, he and Byakuya had been sneaking around, seeing each other in secret. They had been so careful, how could Ichigo know? Did he?

"Ikkaku said that Kenpachi said that Byakuya—"

"Kuchiki-taicho" Renji cut in. Ichigo rolled his eyes again.

"Fine, _Kuchiki-taicho_. People have been saying something's up with him. Returning to his mansion late, spending less time with his paperwork…" Ichigo smirked, "People have been saying he might have a girlfriend even. Know anything about this?"

"Why the hell would I know anything?" Ichigo raised his hands in defense, smirk unfading.

"Hey, I'm just the messenger. Rukia's been going nuts over the rumours. Plus, I know you've had a crush on him for as long as—" Renji hooked his arm around Ichigo's neck, pulling him into a chokehold.

"We don't talk about that, do we?" Renji shouted, Ichigo trying to free himself from the redhead's grip. The two wrestled until Ichigo finally flipped him, pile-driving Renji with his elbow, making the shinigami writhe and swear.

"Hey, I just thought I'd ask, thinking you might have something to say about it!" Renji rolled away from Ichigo and stood. Aside from Rukia, Ichigo was his best friend. About a year ago, pumped full of one too many rounds of sake, Renji had confessed his feelings towards Byakuya to the teen. Ichigo had been supportive about it, keeping the information to himself and not bringing it up, aside from the occasional teasing jab at Renji. But hey, what else were friends for? Renji's face grew serious as he looked at Ichigo.

"If taicho has something going on, I have no idea what it is." Renji smiled, hoping to conceil the lie. "Anyway, let's go, Urahara wanted to make us work before he fed us." The two raced to the ladder.

The entire time Renji spent mopping the storefront, he worried. Were these just groundless rumours? Or did somebody know something? They had been so careful! He knew it was important, but he hated how everything was a goddamn secret. He walked around all the time feeling anxious, but he would do anything to keep what they had going. 'Business dinners' that consisted of Renji talking in a secluded booth to Byakuya, who would nod and offer the occasional response. 'Exclusive meetings' behind the locked door of their shared office. Stolen moments, glances, kisses.

Their 'relationship' was awkward a lot of the time. The idea of how forbidden it was frightened and exhilarated Renji, but to Byakuya… well Renji didn't know much about how Byakuya felt ever. Hell, he didn't even know the extent of his taicho's feelings towards him. During their meetings, Byakuya was often distant, if not cold. It was frustrating to Renji, to be so intimidated by, and attracted to, the Kuchiki, who seemed so super-human, so surreal in his demeanor. He would never be able to explain how it felt to undress the older man, to dominate him for even a moment. Kissing his perfect, bare, porcelain skin…

"The hell you day dreaming about?" Renji started, dropping the mop he was leaning against. Jinta stood in the doorway, hands on hips, teeth bared. "I was gonna tell you it's time to eat, but you're barely half done!" Renji finished mopping quickly and ran to the kitchen where Urahara, Rukia and Orihime were chattering excitedly and Ichigo was devouring his food.

"50% late, 50% food!" Tessai said, shoving a half-full bowl of rice into Renji's hands. He sighed heavily and sat down to eat.

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><p>A world away Byakuya sat, sipping tea, contemplating.<p>

"_Is this really worth it?"_

Yachiru poked him in the head again from where she stood beside him on her tip-toes.

"Who is it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Each 'huh' was punctuated by another stab to his head.

"As I have said, there _is_ no one, Kusajishi. Please sit back down, Zaraki will be back shortly."

"Who is it? Huh? Huh?"

"_This child will be the death of me."_

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><p>Chapter 1 Part 1. I would really love Reviews!<p> 


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